Selected pages from my upcoming book: Beauty and Debris
Sin To Drift
“I don’t know but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about things other than my situation. It seems to help; just getting away in my head does help. But man, that faith - It’s tough now. Trying to hold onto it constantly and I know it’s black and white thinking but to be real it must be total and to be true, in itself, it can’t be something that drifts.
But the truth is, in my head - I’ve been drifting a bit. Of course, there are a multitude of reasons to look away, to look at something else other than faith but letting it slide, in my head, that just won’t do for me. And look, my situations demand it: The weight of these things, these burdens, the whole of them deserve some kind of focused attention and a massive dose of faith. I mean, how can I for even one minute consider leaving something so necessary behind? Even for one, single, momentary second?
It is a sin to drift now... Even for one second.”
Title Fight
“It’s later and I feel even meaner and more bitter than I did just a few hours ago. Like I felt when I woke and finally saw the truth about Christine. I feel like I’ve been deeply wronged, betrayed - I don’t know why.
But the anger is racing through me. Everything flows swift and hard and floods my system, releasing all the shit I’ve collected and stored and empties it all out into my sight. And I want to see it, all of it, or as much as I can take without burning up.
Because man, I’m burning now: My fires are stoked and I don’t give a fuck about what happens next.”
Tape Head
"If there’s anything that holds me up in the computer, it’s the ‘generational’ concerns one used to get when shooting on tape.
I mean, if I could let go of all that and move on, in my head, it would free me in a big way. It’s like I still think all the changes are tied to the best being the one closest to the original. But tape - it’s over and done now.
All because digital, at the core of it, is freedom."
These Two
"The holiday weekend was going to be my time to recover from the previous two weeks, but I'm holed up with the usual goods and only making things worse.
Still, I'm looking hard at the pictures from San Francisco and for the most part, feeling good about what I'm on to. But, concerning that series of shots; it seems I was off on both composition and exposure and there's a sense there could be more in each picture.
Even so, I'm not completely unhappy with many of the effects I’m seeing - The color is strong, mostly, and it looks packed over and thrown around like from a brush."
Trapped In A Cult
“But lord how I run around the house from the TV to the radio and my books and then back around again for yet another spin!
This intense drive to stay preoccupied is at once both impressive and brutal. Sometimes a good book or movie will help me to forget but this is rare, and usually I’m just left with my angry and bitter self. It’s always with me now and can rise above any distraction and command my attention.
Nothing is so loud as the voices in my head. It’s like a grim slideshow up there and sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a cult.”
Crumb Of Success
“What started off as simple, youth-driven curiosity about art and the creative life has now, all these years later, become a loud and persistent prodding that has completely overtaken me.
I always believed the uncertainty would subside as I grew and began to understand more but this has not been the case. Even the vision I had over eight years ago has not helped, nor the soul experience in the park sometime later. The times I feel I’ve made the greatest advances in my work have been the lowest moments of my life and there’s nothing subtle about the artistic searching that still drives me.
I had hoped as I got older, I could drown it in success and material things as other men do, but this has been impossible. Not because I have achieved and been left wanting, but because I have never achieved - I’ve never had the opportunity to lose myself in even the tiniest crumb of success.”
Lodge Work
“Lodge work seems strained and difficult and I’m feeling more and more cut off and isolated from the others. If there was ever any doubt about my need for solitude, then my experience here has proven that it is indeed a necessity…
It's lightly snowing this morning which seems odd after two weeks of exceptional weather. My only regret is that I didn’t spend more time shooting the lake when the ice was in and the light was perfect.
Still, I can’t complain: Been looking hard at the pictures from the last couple of days, quiet as everything is now.”