Selected pages from my upcoming book: Beauty and Debris
Title Fight
“It’s later and I feel even meaner and more bitter than I did just a few hours ago. Like I felt when I woke and finally saw the truth about Christine. I feel like I’ve been deeply wronged, betrayed - I don’t know why.
But the anger is racing through me. Everything flows swift and hard and floods my system, releasing all the shit I’ve collected and stored and empties it all out into my sight. And I want to see it, all of it, or as much as I can take without burning up.
Because man, I’m burning now: My fires are stoked and I don’t give a fuck about what happens next.”
Trapped In A Cult
“But lord how I run around the house from the TV to the radio and my books and then back around again for yet another spin!
This intense drive to stay preoccupied is at once both impressive and brutal. Sometimes a good book or movie will help me to forget but this is rare, and usually I’m just left with my angry and bitter self. It’s always with me now and can rise above any distraction and command my attention.
Nothing is so loud as the voices in my head. It’s like a grim slideshow up there and sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a cult.”
Crumb Of Success
“What started off as simple, youth-driven curiosity about art and the creative life has now, all these years later, become a loud and persistent prodding that has completely overtaken me.
I always believed the uncertainty would subside as I grew and began to understand more but this has not been the case. Even the vision I had over eight years ago has not helped, nor the soul experience in the park sometime later. The times I feel I’ve made the greatest advances in my work have been the lowest moments of my life and there’s nothing subtle about the artistic searching that still drives me.
I had hoped as I got older, I could drown it in success and material things as other men do, but this has been impossible. Not because I have achieved and been left wanting, but because I have never achieved - I’ve never had the opportunity to lose myself in even the tiniest crumb of success.”
Lodge Work
“Lodge work seems strained and difficult and I’m feeling more and more cut off and isolated from the others. If there was ever any doubt about my need for solitude, then my experience here has proven that it is indeed a necessity…
It's lightly snowing this morning which seems odd after two weeks of exceptional weather. My only regret is that I didn’t spend more time shooting the lake when the ice was in and the light was perfect.
Still, I can’t complain: Been looking hard at the pictures from the last couple of days, quiet as everything is now.”