"The days are rolling by and I do nothing but sit inside and think. I’ve got to get out of my head and start using my hands. I’ve got to create things, anything…
Everything will be redeemed by work, everything will make sense if I can express it."
"I don’t know but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about things other than my situation. It seems to help; just getting away in my head does help. But man, faith - It’s tough now. Trying to hold onto it constantly, and I know it’s black and white thinking but to be real it must be total and to be true, in itself, it can’t be something that drifts. But the truth is, in my head - I’ve been drifting a bit. Of course, there are a multitude of reasons to look away, to look at something else other than faith but letting it slide, in my head, that just won’t do for me. And look, my situations demand it: The weight of these things, these burdens, the whole of them deserve some kind of focused attention and a massive dose of faith. I mean, how can I for even one minute consider leaving something so necessary behind? Even for one, single, momentary second?
It is a sin to drift now... Even for one second."
"I finally got a job: Thirty straight days of work at $8.50 an hour - Not much but better than nothing. Totally mindless though, which is fine with me. It's all I can handle now.
What's nice is that it's located in a sketchy, run-down industrial park, and I work in a small room tucked away in a far-back corner where no one can find me. Unfortunately, I work next to this dirty, smelly, worn-out looking guy who, oddly enough, is a total perfectionist. Our job is to weigh up powdered cures and spices and seal them in small plastic bags.
The work is incredibly repetitive and monotonous, the deadening boredom almost unbearable, and the whole environment reeks of this tense tedium and slave labor…"
"I'm not depressed today, but things are looking pretty grim. I only have a few dollars left and even less food in my cupboards - Maybe a meal or two if I stretch it? On top of this, rent is due, bills need paying and the pile of rolling metal I call a car is almost out of gas and it runs like shit.
Man what a month! I can’t believe I still have hope. But the sun is up and I've been out walking the streets. I didn't know what else to do."
"I had an interesting dream last night: I was swimming underwater around the Cape of Good Hope with a large shark following right behind me the whole time. Once I made it around the cape, I climbed onto shore and was greeted by a crowd of people who congratulated me on the success of my journey. I then woke up, drenched in my own sweat.
So even though the night’s dream ultimately felt positive, I started this day unrested and a little pissed. But I just didn’t sleep well, you know? With the shark and all."
"Lodge work seems strained and difficult and I’m feeling more and more cut off and isolated from the others. If there was ever any doubt about my need for solitude, then my experience here has proven that it is indeed a necessity…
It's lightly snowing this morning which seems odd after two weeks of exceptional weather. My only regret is that I didn’t spend more time shooting the lake when the ice was in and the light was perfect. Still, I can’t complain: Been looking hard at the pictures from the last couple of days, quiet as everything is now."